life stories: white bloomers and mesquite

Springtime in the desert was hot. So very hot.

A wave of warmth each February tricked us into pulling last year’s t-shirts from plastic bins and we all talked of swimming. There was always a snap, the last hurrah of the winter wind, the weeks we were most likely to see snow. But spring – real spring – arrived early in April, and with it came a crisp breeze, an almost-beating sun and the creeping of temperature gauges toward 100 degrees.

My brother and I tore out the door during those in-between weeks, when it was hot but not sweltering. We built houses between spears of yucca plants and tall Joshua trees. Using California’s own hula hoe, we banished weeds and created hallways and rooms in the hard packed dirt.

(Did you know if you Google “hula hoe,” my tiny hometown shows up on the first page of results? We must have cornered the market.)

We fancied ourselves botanists during the gardening season, Zachary and I, setting up shop with boards nailed in the juniper branches, selling sprigs of unknown foliage and attempting to cure wounds with mud. We mashed yellow berries and flowers in a Mason jar, added a scrap of white fabric and filled it with water. We screwed the lid on tight, set our dye in the sunshine, waited a few weeks. The fabric was white, still, when we pulled it out, but our fermented concoction would likely have cured any backyard ailment.

garden

Our brows trickled sweat in the spring and my headaches returned every May, but those were the laughter days. I learned to climb trees in a dress then, handmade white bloomers peeking from beneath my blue jumper if its hem caught on a branch. Zachary wore buckskins every day, a wooden musket slung across his back and a coonskin cap atop his milk-chocolate hair.

Math books could wait on the kitchen table, science experiments would be finished in the evening. The spring days were running away from us, we couldn’t catch them, and we had bicycles to ride. We lived high in our mesquite tree, carving our names in the branches, telling each other stories.
 

Spring in Virginia is unsure of itself, ordering us to wear sweaters in the morning and shed them by noon. The heat will be here in a few weeks, the humidity suffocating and the thunderstorms exhilarating.

My boys swing wide the front door at four in the afternoon, drop backpacks with a thud and slam the backdoor. They flip and toss on the trampoline for an hour, climb a tree and find me when they fall. Then they ask to play the Wii or to watch Power Rangers and they want to dress up like Obi Wan Kenobi.

I think of buckskin pants and fermented yellow dye, read pieces like this one and make five second plans to homeschool in the fall.

The desert was beautiful in the springtime.
 

Exercising my simple storytelling muscles. Are you writing your stories?

clouds like curtains

On warm mornings we slide up the windows, the front of the house open wide to a line of cars snaking its way into the high school parking lot across the road. The boys pull the blinds to the top of the bay window, the 7am sunlight on their faces as they watch John weave his way into the thread of vehicles. Shelton balances against the finger-smudged glass, pulling his fist into a backward wave. “Buh buh, Dada.

Morning Goodbyes

The big boys think they’re old enough to help out by making breakfast on their own each morning. We’re in a season of cold cereal and yogurt due to, well, mornings, but everyone prefers protein, naturally. So they spill egg yolk on the stove and shred cheese which ends up dotting the wood floor, mashed into kitchen rugs. I pretend to be unloading the dishwasher, lifting my eyes carefully, veiling my cautions, turning down the temperature gauge because eggs cooked at the speed of Christmas coming are better than a burned elbow. They serve me cheesy scrambled eggs with grins the size of Texas.

We’ve been on a Keith Green kick, playing thrifted albums again and again, ignoring the warp and forgetting to turn them over, wondering why the music stopped. The boys dance dramatically through the music room and I sway side to side, the baby’s head tucked under my chin.

“Like a foolish dreamer trying to build a highway to the sky,
all my hopes would come tumbling down
and I never knew just why.
Until today,
when you pulled away the clouds
that hung like curtains on my eyes.
I’ve been blind,
all these wasted years
and I thought I was so wise.
But then you took me by surprise.
Like waking up from the longest dream,
how real it seemed,
until your love broke through…”

Yes, yes, this.

Most mornings are full of urging and cajoling and pleading before 9am. Did you brush those teeth? Small folk, shoes on, now. Do the animals have water? You do actually have chore charts for this stuff, boys.

Yesterday Merritt informed me they won’t be able to obey in the mornings any longer because my brother moved to Omaha for school last month after sharing our space for nearly two years. According to the five year old, without their uncle readying for work alongside their school preparations, brushing teeth is an impossibility. But apparently spending 20 minutes on one’s hair, using a full tablespoon of gel and brushing it into an old man’s comb-over in an effort to look like the hipster uncle is a very legitimate possibility. Every morning.

Ah, well.
 
***
 
Have you written your simple story? If not, perhaps you want to take a moment to jot down a quick tidbit today, no pretense, no premise, just sharing a snippet of whatever it is you enjoy sharing? The way we used to do it.

I’m opening a linky, just this once because I doubt we really need more linkups when so many splendid communities already exist. But I don’t want to miss what you’re writing from this end-of-the-week window. Will you leave a link to your simple story from yesterday, today, over the weekend?



(If you're feeling overwhelmed, perhaps meander over to Lisa Jo's and take a peek at the stories shared there. This week's prompt is Comfort. Full disclosure: I didn't write on comfort and I didn't link up. I just like the community they've developed over there.)

Thank you all for being here, for showing up and making me feel a little less crazy. I like you.

Lovelove,
Ash

simple stories
[an invitation to old-fashioned blogging]

Simple Stories

Remember the old days when we shared our simple stories, when we told about our days and posted grainy point-and-shoot photos, when we were thrilled to hear of new babies and cross-country moves and the books being read and that dress you found on sale at Target last week?

I miss that.

And I suppose the missing of it was part of what kept me from this space for so long, tip-toeing in here and there, then skittering away due to what it had become. Too many opinions, too many hot topics, too many should-dos, too many bulleted lists, too much promotion, too many scholarly thoughts, too many internet bullies, too many communities turning in on themselves, too many pinnable images and algorithms and plugins and discussions about the best time of day to share a blog post.

And all I wanted to do was talk about life.

Everyday Life - laundry and toys

If the conversations I’ve had in recent months are any indication, there’s a quiet little corner filled with people holding the same smoldering coals in our bosom, driven to relish the beauty and the broken, to roll ideas ’round for a while, to appreciate laughter and share the moments of our sacred everyday. We speak and sing and create and write because we have no choice.

But we’ve become stuck, silenced by our own fear and the pressing expectations to create stellar shareable content, to catch eyes and make it all mean something. When did blogging start taking itself so seriously? Nobody has life-changing thoughts every day.

Somewhere along the line, maybe it was five years ago, maybe it was two weeks ago, we’ve lost our voices in this sphere. Maybe the old words blew away in the wind, or perhaps our daily motions were altered by circumstances and the expected rolling along of life.

But maybe we’ve become convinced our stories aren’t enough unless they bring in a few extra dollars or widespread notoriety. Maybe we want to unpack our thoughts about God, but we’ve heard we aren’t allowed to speak until we have our theology in order. Perhaps voices have filled our ears, telling us we need to quiet the truth because it was too messy. Perhaps we’ve encountered the internet police, swirling their batons and beating our ankles if we use the wrong wording, telling us to hush up if we deviate from the approved solutions. We’ve been belittled for thinking our daily lives are worth sharing, warned we won’t be taken seriously, told there’s nothing sacred in the rhythms of the everyday. Who wants to hear about our minutiae when the people of the world are busy with their own lives?

Here’s the truth about that: I want to hear your minutiae.

soundofmusicvinyl

knitsquare

I entered the online writing space six houses, three states, three children, two deployments, one faith crisis and several eras ago. Many, many facets of blogging and online interaction have changed in those years. But the compelling aspect, the one thing keeping me from walking away and returning to the solitude of my pen and leather journal? Your stories.

Your stories have shaped my life, assured me I’m not alone, changed my views, made me laugh, buoyed me and held me. It wasn’t your gorgeous photography or your helpful linkups or your carefully crafted arguments or the original fonts in your header, much as I’ve loved all of them. It wasn’t because you publish on Tuesdays and Thursdays or thanks to the email delivery service you’ve chosen. I don’t stick around because of your blog design or your hairstyle or the brands you promote or your doctrinal views.

The internet certainly isn’t a soul-sucking waste land and the trappings of blogging aren’t inherently devastating. I’m addicted to Instagram and waste hours on Pinterest and can’t imagine a world without Facebook. There are a million obscure platforms and tools we bloggers use and they’re all needed when it comes to getting the the job done. By all means, use them and use them well. Do what you do, create businesses, take the opportunities, write the books, make things happen.

But I don’t read your blog because of a multi-avenue internet platform. And I don’t stay away from your blog because of your lack of online glamour.

It’s always been the stories. Our lives are all we have, aren’t they? So let us hear your passion and the way you thrive. Let us cheer for you, mourn with you, share in your ponderings and hilarious anecdotes.  Speak to us of your days and toss away the need for an obvious premise. The telling matters, to me, to your aunt two states away, to the readers who pull from your life hope and freedom and empathy and courage and commonality and faith and humor and inspiration.

Refuse to be silenced. Sing loud, light a flame, start a new chapter. Share your world, because it is yours. Do it eloquently, do it beautifully, do it humorously, do it boldly, do it sarcastically. But however you do it, do it as you.

Soccer Field

This is an invitation to return to old-fashioned blogging, in which we do life and share the simple realities, the open parts, the hard and the lovely. This isn’t a call to a confessional or a rally for waving around our dirty laundry. No, no – keep your secrets and honor your stories in the telling.

But this is a call to slow down, to break the rules a bit, to have some fun and trust that it doesn’t have to be so complicated. It’s a call to do the work of showing up, being real, pushing past the fear and the belief in our own incompetence.

Let us not desecrate the magnificence of the sacred days we’ve been given with the lie that our words no longer hold value, that nobody will take seriously the life lived well. The simple truths, shared intentionally, are shaping communities, online and off. These stories deserve to be told.

 

Need inspiration? Follow along with Heather of the EO’s Just Write community on Tuesdays, or dig in with Lisa Jo’s Five Minute Fridays.

Need accountability and community? Join this new Facebook group, where we’re committing to writing down the simple stories and holding each other to it.
 

I love you, you beautiful, rag tag, messy, perfect online community, you. Let’s live our simple lives together again, mmkay?

~Ash

overheard conversations – volume two

coffeeshop

Yesterday a friend wrote, talking about ten years ago and the way it was different in her eyes than mine. Of the way I’ve focused on the bitter weeds and so few of the flowers. She was there, too, and what she saw was so much the same and so vastly different, because what I felt as bondage she saw as security, what I found wounding was something she longed for, wished for, wept for in the open air on cold nights. Perhaps a glass house, easily shattered, is better than no house at all?

***

They’re talking about the bombing, while the hunt is on for the 19 year old and all of Boston has locked its doors. I’m waiting for my coffee and a girl with blonde hair leans across her table behind me, saying it’s true, that Muslims are enemies of America, that we need to be on the watch, that their languages shouldn’t be spoken on our shores. My heart has been breaking for the city all week, praying for safety and comfort and wishing for justice. But all I can think about in the coffee shop is my uncle’s mother in her hijab, the softness of her milky hands and the way she ran her fingers through my tiny cousin’s hair. I’m remembering the week we stood in a cluster as they buried my uncle with his face turned east, the men dropping handfuls of sod over his lowered casket. Women had been cooking for days, filling the kitchen with spicy Syrian meals, loving my aunt and my cousin with food, the way we do. I’m remembering the woman I met last month, sitting across an airplane aisle, a retired gynecologist from Texas and before that, Pakistan. We told stories of motherhood, three children each, and she told me it gets easier, there won’t be any diapers eventually and they’ll grow up to become my friends if I let them feel deeply loved while they’re small. She pulled her veil closer to her forehead with one hand and placed the other atop the hand of her sleeping husband, rested on her thigh. I never once thought to name either one my enemy.

***

He sat down, stood up, ordered coffee, switched tables, scanned the room. He carried a book by C.S. Lewis but held it open in his hands and watched the door. She walked in ten minutes later and he stood and smiled but they didn’t hug. Good to meet you, face to face, this is so great.

She casually mentioned her church and he did, too. Then my friend had to leave so I was eavesdropping when he asked if she “was a theological person.” She said she was, at least more than the average person, and they spent an hour hashing Calvinism and salvation by grace and her reformed church and his Catholic background and homeschooling and their mission trips and whether or not short-term projects are helpful or absolutely futile.

I wanted to laugh so I bit my cheek because, after all, the day I met John we sat in a church foyer and talked for three hours about Bible college and church choirs and homeschooling versus public schools.

I was skeptical about the romance here, tonight, but an hour later there’s chemistry and they just set up a second date.

 

Read Overheard Conversations, Volume One.

I live-tweeted the amusing first-date scene above. Follow me over there?

 

 

i only have my stories

I only have my stories.

I don’t have deep theological rants, or meandering dissertations.

I don’t lay bare my politics. I will no longer tell you how to mother your children. I can’t tell you what to believe.

I owned the answers, once, and I handed them out here and there and everywhere. My opinions were strong, my conviction mighty, my certainties unwavering. It all bubbled and spit until I laid it out in type.

But the boiling eventually spilled over, too much, too soon, and the heat was on. It all boiled down, and down, and down.

It boiled down until it was gone, all of it. The opinions, the doctrines, the practices, the reasons, the answers, the formulas.

pen

Now I have the stories.

I don’t have reasons anymore, but I am free to discover them again. I am here to be filled up, to seek and find. The boiling over and boiling down, it wasn’t for naught.

I’m filled with these stories, stacked by tens and twenties like an overflowing bookcase. I have stories of a little girl exuberant, knowing her own mind. I have stories of a young woman confident only in fear and self lost during the in-between years and little-girl-grown-up, found again.

Stories of handmade floral jumpers and pretty scarves of submission tied ’round my young head, of stapled paper magazines and old pen-pals. I have an account to give, here, of paradigms shifted, of crashing down and building up. Jesus known, Jesus lost, a new Jesus found.

Do you want to know the true tale behind that diamond ring finding its way to my 17 year old left finger, of babies born to young (yet married) parents, of childhood mothering?

I can talk to you about ten years of military life, the support, the hatred, the love, the quasi-pacifism, the pounding patriotism, the breast of conflicted emotions, the truest versions of those deployment sagas.

Let me whisper of family, the way we push and pull. The friendship casualties, the kindreds gained. I show the front of my marriage, the forward facing side, but perhaps this time I can be honest.

My ballet dancing son, my love of red wine, the way my fingers work yarn endlessly. My work and hiring a nanny. The way I read Common Prayer and took a break from church. The months spent curled in the corner of my sofa. The therapy and the doctor who discovered the secret. The horror of the midwife and the redemption of babies birthed. The months I contemplated walking away. My year in a hippie town.

These stories, I have them, tucked down deep and hidden, covered in a bit of a haze, bound tightly with a ribbon of fear. They beg to be released, to have the tape ripped from their lips, to climb to the rooftops and shout their own names.

Be warned, friend, I’m a new one, here. You know me and you don’t. I know myself and I don’t.

No cohesive topic. No pointed argument. No special knowledge to share. No axes left to grind.

But I still have my stories.

I only have my stories.